hahaaha wow i have no idea what to do with my life and I’m filled with completely irrational fears about literally everything and I can’t get help because capitalism makes me feel worthless in literally every single way and I can’t even watch a stupid kid’s movie or talk to my friends without fucking crying because my only two modes now are numb or feeling very negative
I woke up yesterday around 3:30 in the afternoon, and they were doing maintenance on the pipes and such because I guess something wasn’t working properly. I woke up at 3:30 because I’m a terrible human being and I’ve turned nocturnal recently, which doesn’t really help me stop being an asshole. Because they were working on pipes, the water was shut off. It’s okay, the flier we had gotten on Monday assured us that the water would be back on “no later than 6 pm”. I figured I could hold it for two and a half hours, no problem. I quickly developed a headache and nausea because I’m weak and drinking a whole cup and a half of coffee just before bed is just one of the many bad decisions I make on a daily basis. I’m going to destroy my kidneys eventually doing stupid stunts like this, but I digress.
By 5:17, or thereabouts, I was in a bad mood. I saw a post, and I figured that since I knew better, I would comment on it. I didn’t really know better, and I re-wrote the response a good five times before deciding to post it the way it was. I was very rude. And then, as if it would make it all okay, I posted a text post only stating, “I take my Zelda very seriously”
I’m not excusing my actions. I was being an idiot. The facts that I hadn’t done a certain biological function for nearly 15 hours, had a headache, and was feeling nauseous did, however, factor into my aggressive wording.
Today, when I logged on, I had an anonymous message in my inbox. The precise wording I cannot provide because, in a fit of guilt, I deleted the message, but its contents were basically thus: You take your Zelda seriously? You verbally attacked a young girl over a harmless theory. You’re just an angry gamer, and nobody likes people like that.
They had no way of knowing that my mental faculties might have been impaired in any way at the time that I posted what I did. Plain and simple.
I was inexcusably rude. I deserved that message. But there’s an even ruder part of me that wants to ask how they could have scrolled through everything I’ve posted since 5:20 PM yesterday without seeing the multiple posts about the water in my building being shut off. This ruder part of me wants a little sympathy because "I was having a rough day, okay? Everybody has bad days and I’ve had so many lately it’s just hard to keep it together lately" But that’s bullshit. I’ve had absolutely awful days before and didn’t take it out on others. It’s no excuse. The other part of me just doesn’t want to feel bad about myself anymore.
that kid was fucking wrong
it was a goddamned tektite and you can’t mistake a tektite for a fucking peahat
there’s no correlation between the color palettes used, nearly everything in hyrule is green so long as it’s not death mountain, zora’s domain, the gerudo desert, or fucking snowpeak
and the silhouette thing they mentioned was also bullshit because there’s no fucking way that they decided “hey let’s mirror oot screenshots of a peahat for this e3 promo thing”
it’s bullshit and i’m done beating myself up over it
I like how the one person in this house who isn’t currently in pain can’t do the dishes because it grosses them out
like that’s nice
i’ll get right on the dishes instead sweetie once i’m done taking out the trash, getting the mail, and systematically undoing years of bad posture so my back won’t feel like I’ve got a bulldozer wedged in my vertebrae every second I’m upright
didn’t want to make you not hungry for a while, sorry
and the other day i was told to wash a thing that had mold in it, and everybody FUCKING knows I can’t handle mold, it freaks me the fuck out, and so when I opened the thing and saw it I couldn’t help but flinch and back the fuck away, and somebody got their fucking nuts in a twist because “for fuck’s sake can’t you do something without having a natural reaction of fear and disgust” and they just dumped some fucking vinegar in the thing, told me that it killed the stuff, and went back to what they were doing. like being terrified of mold is just so incredibly annoying and inconvenient
and then they passed it off as “well i don’t like mold either but i have 2 deal so” and it’s like, no. no you fucking don’t have to deal with it. when you get near mold, your natural reaction isn’t to scratch all the skin off your arms and the back of your neck. you don’t even deal with mold that often. you get grossed out by dirty fucking dishes to the point where you have no appetite for about five or six hours. yeah, that’s a lot. that has got to be fucking horrible. but you won’t rip your goddamned hair out or change clothes afterwards or scratch yourself nervously for hours afterwards.
don’t get pissy at me for having some fucking phobias okay
don’t act like i’m the only person who can do shit around here
the other two have legitimate reasons to not do shit. one of them might even have to go into the goddamned hospital soon. i’m so fucking done with this year and drama and worrying about everything and people needing fucking medical attention.
i’m a terrible person who just wants to watch shitty anime and sleep
i just want to watch shitty anime and sleep
i’m just so irritated by nobody telling me things until the last minute and then everyone wanting to hang out with me at once but not being willing to deal with each other and i’m super sick of having to resolve those issues myself
but at the same time I feel like such a goddamned whiner because i’m basically saying “why aren’t you making plans that are convenient for MEEE when it’s not always convenient for you to do so and i fucking know it”
maybe if I had an actual, you know, SPINE about shit, I’d put my foot down and say “i’m done trying to mediate, hate ach other I don’t care anymore, i hate apll of you and i just want to die”
all i ever do is fuck up the relationships of people around me by trying to help and i’m so tired and i’m stressed and so is eevryyone fucking else and i should really stop talking to people
haha boy life sure is hard when you can’t do anything right and you can’t say anything about it either because you don’t want to make others unhappy and by others you really just mean your family and ffriends because lets be honest here you don’t really care about th epeople on the street or across the corner or whatever you just want the world to cater to you because you’re a terrible weak human being and your friends ought to be ashamed of knowing you what are you going to d tomorrow? cry? fuck you you ddon’t deserve fucking tears or a headache or anything
i’m trash and i want to bleed and i want to wake up and never have to bother with anything again
i’m scared and tired and lonely and sad and horrible and it’s been two years since gram died and maybe if I wasnt’ such a shitlord i’d grow the fuck up and get a fucking job like a decent regular american i hate you i hate you i hate you go to bed you’re not feeling well
it’d be one thing if my brother hadn’t thrown a goddamned box at me but I’m just really emotionally unstable and I want to hang out with people I don’t feel like I have to guard myself around right now and so many things lately have been bringing me almost to tears and I don’t know what to do
the future is bleak, of course I’m going to blast my stupid shitty music in my headphones to try and escape
I can’t hurt myself
I can’t hurt anyone around me
I can’t even ball up a piece of paper or throw something
I can’t make a single stupid fucking joke without someone jumping up to me and asking, “Are you okay? Are you alright? are you feeling okay my unstable little buddy?” like they can fucking help me or like they didn’t fucking ask that literally a minute ago
NO, alright? I’m not okay. I’m frustrated and depressed and every time I hear that phrase it sets a fire inside me, it insults me.
"Are you okay?"
haven’t I mentioned that if I’m not okay, you’ll be able to tell? Haven’t I mentioned that if I’m not okay, I probably won’t tell you anyway because there’s nothing you can FUCKING do to help? you’ll just apologize and hope I feel better and I’m sick of that I’m so fucking sick of that
I hate the world and I feel like shit
I feel like shit because I hate the world
I have some sort of defect in me to not be content with reality, so I try to escape through music or stories or what-the-fuck-ever because it hurts less sometimes
I’m such a goddamned pansy
I don’t want to deal with the BIG BAD WORLD because I’m afraid of being a disappointment. I’m depressed because I’m not a special fucking snowflake, exceptions don’t get made for me
I’ll live on
Feb. 24. ‘14